If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
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EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
it be like that
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
haha same
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.