*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
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😲 WTF? 😆
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.