Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
You Might Also Like
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.