Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
(more comics:
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
scares
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.