There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
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Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.