Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
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You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.