THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well