*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.