How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**