The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]