Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.