My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
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Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Fries, not lies.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show