I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
You Might Also Like
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?