Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Florida be like…
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.