I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
You Might Also Like
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*