i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.