Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
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[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.