white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
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Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.