Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me