i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
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wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
For those that worship cheese..
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock