How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
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Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.