So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.