Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Hot Hot Hot

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.