My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
smh
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.