I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad