toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
You Might Also Like
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”