You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
#damn
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.