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lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Ferrari squats
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*