ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole