[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.