He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
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Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.