[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.