When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money