*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
You Might Also Like
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The human personality is made of five key elements
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
181.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.