“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us