[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.