If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam