The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
#Caturday
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back