Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.