I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
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[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see