Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
good for her
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”