Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
You Might Also Like
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
i can’t wait that long
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice