[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
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A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF