Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
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My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please