My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
You Might Also Like
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body