i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..