I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.