If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed