Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.