*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Happy Friday
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
this is literally a CIA plant
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I am never leaving this website
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.